You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize