I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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