Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
