she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
