i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
