Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
