She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
