Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
