I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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