Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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