I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
