Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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