I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I got her a Nickelback box set.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
