I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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