a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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