i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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