on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
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Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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