rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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