This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
