you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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