anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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