I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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