Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
