Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
