SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i love accidental penises.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We need a shit load of segways right now
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
