just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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