I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
