I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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