yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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