Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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