Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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