So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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