there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
