I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
