if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
