guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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