Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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