I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
