thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
