you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
