I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
