Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
