I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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