I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
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I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
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What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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