You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
