3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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