My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
