Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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