I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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