I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
