One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
