Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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