His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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