Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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