Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
