No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
