I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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