he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i wish my penis had a tongue
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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