just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
