This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just cropdusted the office
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
