Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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