He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
