A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
