She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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